somewhere in Nigella Lawson's straining brassiere

A review of Vampire Diaries (ITV2), based on a response originally posted to a friend's enquiry about said show's merits.

Apparently, vampires and related occult creations are full of the sexy.  We can determine this from the utter truck loads of it on the silver screen, your local Waterstone's and ancillary channels of terrestrial broadcasters' television listings.  The reasons for this are hard to pin down, but it is fair to assume it conditioning for the imminent arrival of Beelzebub.  Vote for that, Middle America.

So, on to Vampire Diaries.  From the little I was forced to watch the other day after I misplaced the remote during Celebrity Juice, and frantically threw around furniture to discover its location before my mind decided to labotomise itself in order to avoid further damage, I can conclude that it is a mixture of True Blood and The OC.  You probably may swap mentions of The OC with mentions of Dawson's Creek, One Tree Hill, Gilmore Girls or Hollyoaks - in short, we're talking most of E4's scheduling. For those not in the know about these inexplicably popular televisual experiences, I'll help by introducing an abridged description of each:

• True Blood is based on a popular series of novels and well acted, well written and for the most part entertaining - just ignore all the hocus-pocus mumbo-jumbo stuff and you'll get along with it fine, I did and I hate this kind of rubbish normally.

• The OC [Gilmore Girls, Dawson's Creek, One Tree Hill..] is an American teen drama set in a warped reality bubble surrounding a script writer's internal frustration that he is horrifically ugly, unpopular and still lives with his mum; I say all this by assumption: I have never had the misfortune to accidentally watch the actual show, just trailers for it when I have had no V+ gold banked while watching something else on Channel 4.

So the ingredients are there for a deliciously well prepared, wholesome dumpling perfectly spiced by sexually liberated naked nymphettes living somewhere in Nigella Lawson's straining brassiere. Unfortunately, some snotty YTS kid made the stew it floats in; consisting of foetid road kill chunks, a ladle full of Sweet and Low sweetners, pooh flakes derived from a recent toilet visit and a dash of jizz produced when looking at the aforementioned sexually liberated naked nymphettes preparing dumplings.

Basically, you will find eye candy to perve over (but not enough nudity to really titilate), there's plenty of pointless camera spaffery to prove they're making an arty, edgy, teen-centric drama and a soundtrack of a whiney, nauseating middle of the road din. I didn't watch it long, but enough to ascertain that it probably has plot lines that are smugly surprising, omnipresent cliff hangers (OMG will they, won't they?!?!?) and the regular nonsensical twist.  All this and if anything appears impossible they have the comfort blanket that while The OC is based in a bubble of hyper-reality floating in a normal reality world, Vampire Diaries is that same bubble of hyper-reality surrounded by an atmosphere of complete bollocks.

{Originally posted to my facespace notes}